Becoming a parent changes everything…. your routines, relationships, and identity. Many new moms want to give their baby the very best, which sometimes leads to maternal gatekeeping — controlling or limiting a partner’s involvement in caregiving.
What Is Maternal Gatekeeping?
Maternal gatekeeping happens when a mom:
Redoes tasks after her partner (e.g., re-dressing the baby, folding the laundry a certain way)
Gives constant instructions or corrections
Takes on most caregiving even when help is available
This often comes from love, worry, or wanting things done “right,” but it can leave moms burnt out and partners feeling left out.
Why It Happens
Maternal gatekeeping can stem from:
Anxiety or perfectionism — wanting to protect the baby
Cultural pressure — feeling you “should” do it all (social media doesn’t help)
Lack of trust or confidence in a partner’s skills
Why Balance Matters
When both parents are involved:
Babies build strong bonds with both caregivers
Moms experience less stress and more rest
Couples feel more connected
Tips to Reduce Gatekeeping
Pause before stepping in — let your partner try their way (this can be hard!)
Show appreciation for effort, not just results
Talk openly about expectations and divide tasks together
Ask for help when you need it
Sources & References
American Psychological Association (APA) — Fathers’ Involvement and Maternal Gatekeeping
https://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/newsletter/2010/12/gatekeepingSchoppe-Sullivan, S. J., et al. (2008). Maternal gatekeeping, coparenting quality, and father involvement. Journal of Family Psychology, 22(2), 389–398.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18855510/Allen, S. M., & Hawkins, A. J. (1999). Maternal gatekeeping: Mothers’ beliefs and behaviors that inhibit greater father involvement in family work. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 61(1), 199–212.
https://www.jstor.org/stable/353894Postpartum Support International (PSI) — Resources for postpartum mental health
https://www.postpartum.net